smileys in agony

I've been thinking quite a bit. I think it's good that I drew those smiley faces today, because it really is quite a good trigger to start this chain of thought which I should have been through at the moment I received notice I'm to be the ACCAL for 2008...

Pole management activity today was boring. We sit under the sun and just measure/paint/move/bundle poles. Being the guy I am, when I was marking out the height of the poles, I drew a smiley face on each of them. Like this --> =)

I stopped after awhile, because Sarun told me not to and wanted me to paint emulsion over them. But I didn't. And there were quite a few poles (about 7 i think) which had smiley faces on them.

At the end of the activity, the J1s pointed me out and gave a scolding.

I didn't and still don't see how these smiley faces warrant a punishment. Perhaps it just further shows my immaturity. Or to the J1s and Jeremy, it's a 'definitely'. I mean, I told SJ about this and i could talk to him about it since he's not in the group. He just gave me a =_= look. Apparantly he didn't think it was... logical.

I wrote down "Be a respectable ACCAL" in my goal-settings worksheet. I really want to do my job as an ACCAL. Seriously. But I've come to realise to do so would mean sacrificing a lot, and changing who I am just to fit the role. I've beaten so many capable batchmates of mine to attain this position, and I have the obligation to them and to the rest of the group to do a good job.

But... I'm fun-loving. I'm playful. Do I have to rid of all that to become 'respectable'? Yeah sure, just tell me there's a time to be serious and a time not to. I think i'll just play safe and be serious whenever I'm acting in the capacity of an ACCAL. But I really can't be stern and serious and discipline/talk to my batchmates as if I'm their training leader. It is just totally not my style. They're my friends, and I'm theirs. We screw around, dude. That's the way it goes.

Do I need to be like Jeremy or the J1s to be a good role model? The guy standing upfront, reporting attendance, turning around to ensure we aren't fidgeting or chit-chatting... I prefer to stand at the back and mingle with them. I feel so much more at ease.

Maybe I'm just not made to be respectable.

Oh yes, and as the ACCAL I'm supposed to bring the batch together? But yeah well, I find myself guilty of segregation at times. Some scars run too deep, and some friends are... perhaps just not meant to be? It's funny how Jeremy and I have become good friends when previously we were angsting each other. And I'm telling you that was because of me. Perhaps it was a bit of jealousy at work... for he was so serious, so disciplined, and that was something I found so hard to do. Rather, now I've fallen out with a friend whom I've tried so hard to befriend before. I think the relationship collapsed because of a particular incident, but that only acted as a trigger. I think the root of the problem lay in the accumulation of things we've done to destroy this bond... the countless 'pangsehs' and whatnot. Whatever it is, i find it hard to look into his face and talk. Or their faces. To just talk normally. But fret not, the working relationship ensues. Yeah yeah colleagues work not as well as with friends, but I'm sorry I can't force myself to do it. This is the whole point of this blogpost anyway.

I shouted a bit at Yanwei today, and he had done the same. I think it's okay since we're batchmates /close friends. The weather was hot, and we were shack. But one lesson I've learnt is that as a leader there are these times when you just have to be more mature/compromising when your constituents argue with you, or if they're being unreasonable. You're the leader, the one with more experience and the one more 'wise'. That is not to say Yanwei was being unreasonable or whatnot, because we were just shag. But it triggered the learning point all the same.

I really hope not to lose any more friends within the batch already. I would be... so sad if that happens... especially if the ogre whom I bring onto the bus daily falls out with me. I'm afraid the constant repetitions of 'ogre' and 'polar bear' might be causing psychological hurt to it, and it might just run away. I think I shall clarify that soon. And my confidante of course, whom I always talk to and screw around with. 3 years together and if we were to split now it'd just be so sad. No no, not these 2 definitely. And of course the rest whom I value as well.

The best way out for me to accept that my friends are imperfect is to deplore at my own imperfections. Seriously I'm so damn lucky I still have friends after I did an analysis of myself. I seriously don't deserve to have friends. I should have been a loser whom everyone ostracizes and kicks aside. Some people can just be so nice... But they should be taken advantage of.

I'm starting to find myself to be a liability to the batch. Last year, I ruined everyone's shot at CCA (chief commisioner's award). To put it nicely, I had integrity. To tell the truth, I was being retarded. Of course my batch didn't bring it up. But that doesn't mean they don't blame me deep down in their hearts. Hey dude, I blame myself too.

Oh and yes, last year I was being rude to Leonard on the phone... which of course added to the batch's count and angered the J1s even more. I wished they'd just keep me back, scold, pump and do whatever they want with me instead of doing my whole batch in. Perhaps that's their plan... to make me feel guilty. Which is what happened during today's activity. It feels so much worse when I get my friends into trouble than when I own myself.

Jeremy is the chairman, for obvious reasons. Chu Yong is personable, enthusiastic, a moraliser and the one who brings the batch together. Jonathan is mature and responsible. Haoqin is organised and a great secretary. The 2 QMs have carried out their roles dutifully, and more than that they're great partners to work with. The members have initiative and their efficiency is admirable. Perhaps I have some of these traits too, but as an ACCAL, what value do I add to the batch?

During the previous years, there was only 1 ACCAL. And perhaps it should have remained as one.

But I do like to lead. I like being the leader. When Ben Hong referred to Jeremy as the boss and me as his slave, I didn't feel too comfortable... but hey, on further thought, perhaps that's the reality of it - just that I haven't been doing a good job as his slave.

During the meeting Jeremy said that the 3 of us would cooperate and work together... But so far this hasn't been the case. The fact remains that Jeremy is great, with or without me. What value do I add to the batch? While he handles community day, I'm more concerned with celebrating their birthdays... Gosh, it is only when i type this out that I notice how stupid I seem. Or I am.

It is perhaps the first time in my life that I feel so pressurised. That's the price to pay, I guess. I feel like I'm nearly going to explode. I've tried to tell myself to keep quiet, to shut up and just... act normal. But it's so tough, really. During the meeting I tried to tell myself to shut up but I just had to talk. Last year after I got punished for being rude to Leonard, I told myself to 'type my proposals like I'm supposed to'. And Eric told me that an ACCAL is not just supposed to type proposals... then what am I supposed to do? Just fade out? That's a possibility, I guess.

But now, seriously, I'll try. I'll try to maintain that image I'm supposed to maintain. It will be hard, but if I have no one to screw around with, then I won't screw around, right? Then I just have to tell people not to screw around with me... I can always screw around the moment 01 activities end. =)

I'm not being bitter or anything, but seriously I think this is true. It is just in the nature of being an ACCAL that I'm not supposed to screw around. And perhaps, just perhaps, I shouldn't join the GC next year. I'm not being arrogant, but I think I'll most probably get in if I want to. But once again, what can I do for the group? If you're in the GC and you screw around... That's it man. And there're people who can do the job better than me anyway. I shouldn't waste their chances, and I shouldn't be so selfish to drag the group down. I don't like being a liability. I won't join the GC till I can convince myself I'm capable enough. Yes, I'm not being bitter. This is the truth. I can't have passion for the job if i have to force myself to act and do things I don't like.

Oh and... as Yanwei would term them... I have to settle the issues with my 'emotional commitments' soon. I'll rid of all these stress. I have to focus for the year ahead. It's time to end it, i guess.

I've learnt so much from Hue and Khao Lak. Hue, many lessons... and one that is rather painful. Khao Lak, just the sweet memories. =) Innocence is really something so out of reach in modern societies. I swear humans grow just to complicate matters. I swear. =P

I'm not emo, fyi! It's just that I only blog when I'm emo. Therefore I'd only be seen when I'm emo and I'd be assumed to be emo. But I'm usually very happy! =)

I AM NOT BEING BITTER! THIS IS A POST TO REMIND ME OF WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO IMPROVE!