I can't think of 1 now

Extracts from my job scope:

1. Personal Responsibility

- Be a role model for everyone in 01 to look up to

- Stand by your word

3. Responsibility to the Batch

. For those who are not as involved, ensure they have an enjoyable experience in venturing, and to encourage and inspire them to be more involved. Pull those who have strayed from the path of scouting to return to the 01 way of life. Constantly ensure they do not revert back to their former condition should they attend activities again.

L-O-L. I can't believe i typed that.

Anyway, I did my speech for the khao lak presentation today... I think it's the best speech I've come up with so far. And upon reflection, I figured it was most probably because I found so much meaning in this Khao Lak Trip. When you believe in what you're doing, the turnouts can be really unimaginable. It's so easy to just do things, but it's really a challenge to find meaning in what you do.

Sigh.. and there're so many things right now which I'm doing... and which I think are meaningless. Oh dear, oh dear.

pillar of strength

i feel my fighting spirit coming back =)

venturing's not going to be as fun as scouting, i suppose. as yanzhi said, all the fun acts will be gone. yes, venturing might be more fruitful and challenging, but for the playful zhixuan, i think being a PL and heading hawk (alliteration) will be alot more interesting. after all, i like leading. the roles of the VEXCO are really more for planning and organisation.

talking with jeremy sort of revived my fighting spirit. he's a really good ccal, and i dun want to become a burden to him. i'll not be his slave either -- i'm going to be working with him side by side. definitely jeremy's alot stronger than me in task management. however, i realised that there's a difference in our leadership and working styles. he's firm, strong and directive. he's able to control the batch and get things done efficiently. his performance has been amazing and he's really a guy to look up to (literally, too).

he scored a high 'D' on his personality test, and i scored a high 'I'. as the test results show, i'm manipulative and i like to influence other ppl. i believe there'll definitely be areas which i'm stronger in. i'm really fired up now! i want to become the ventures' pillar of strength =)

this isn't an excuse for my mistakes luh. i'm going to learn from him - be serious when needed and improve on task management. i think the latter's pretty okay, but the part about being serious i really need to work on.

i really need to thank him. this wanting to catch up with him has and will help me improve.

this year, i'll be their pillar of strength

question answered

" To you as an individual drawing a few smiley faces or writing names or
stuff on the poles may be nothing much, since we have 100s of poles
and a couple of faces here and there is nothing serious. True enough,
that is not the problem. What is the problem is that being ventures if
we don't take you to task over this the SU will see it as a precedent
and then do the same.

If each person drew 5 smileys, every year, before long all our poles
would be filled with smileys. We put in the effort to sort the poles,
bundle them by height, store them in a pole shed, separate the
coloured poles to make our poles look presentable for competitions,
and to keep them well-maintained. The poles are group property, the
jobweek money from past generations of scouts, as well as your own,
and your juniors all go into the buying of poles and their
maintenance. By drawing on the pole you are effectively labelling it
yours, when all you do is own a share of it. Its the same reason why
the school does not permit you to draw on walls even if drawing on the
walls does not retard the function of the wall.

The reason why we need you guys to set the example is simple. Look at
the den for the past few months before we've moved. If you've noticed,
the sofas were full of bags such that people couldn't sit on them. It
just started with one person placing his bag there, nobody saying
anything, so the next person did the same, and the next, and so on."

" On a final note, as to the pole management session the GC was really
quite happy about the effort you guys put in, and how you helped the
SU with their tasks. It was commendable the way most of you looked
around to see what could be done and took the initiative to do it when
there was sufficient manpower at the painting station. It is really
unfortunate that that one incident marred the whole good image we
received. I genuinely felt that on the whole your actions were
praiseworthy, but it only takes just one event to tarnish reputation
that is painstakingly built up."

My training leader has sent a mail to the entire batch when I feel it should just be directed towards me. Jonathan doesn't have internet access. Well, that just further reinforces my point about making me feel guilty. But hell yeah, it's the right move to make. Come to think of it, this has been the policy the people up there have been abiding by when dishing out punishments for the past few years.

I feel so sorry towards my batch who have painstakingly built up such a solid reputation with their 5 hours of hard work in the sun. I alone tarnished it. This email is great, for now I have more things to reflect upon. Kudos to Yanzhi.

No really, I am going to carry out my resolution. 4K for joy, 4K for joy. It's only that few hours per week. I can get past it, I know I can.

smileys in agony

I've been thinking quite a bit. I think it's good that I drew those smiley faces today, because it really is quite a good trigger to start this chain of thought which I should have been through at the moment I received notice I'm to be the ACCAL for 2008...

Pole management activity today was boring. We sit under the sun and just measure/paint/move/bundle poles. Being the guy I am, when I was marking out the height of the poles, I drew a smiley face on each of them. Like this --> =)

I stopped after awhile, because Sarun told me not to and wanted me to paint emulsion over them. But I didn't. And there were quite a few poles (about 7 i think) which had smiley faces on them.

At the end of the activity, the J1s pointed me out and gave a scolding.

I didn't and still don't see how these smiley faces warrant a punishment. Perhaps it just further shows my immaturity. Or to the J1s and Jeremy, it's a 'definitely'. I mean, I told SJ about this and i could talk to him about it since he's not in the group. He just gave me a =_= look. Apparantly he didn't think it was... logical.

I wrote down "Be a respectable ACCAL" in my goal-settings worksheet. I really want to do my job as an ACCAL. Seriously. But I've come to realise to do so would mean sacrificing a lot, and changing who I am just to fit the role. I've beaten so many capable batchmates of mine to attain this position, and I have the obligation to them and to the rest of the group to do a good job.

But... I'm fun-loving. I'm playful. Do I have to rid of all that to become 'respectable'? Yeah sure, just tell me there's a time to be serious and a time not to. I think i'll just play safe and be serious whenever I'm acting in the capacity of an ACCAL. But I really can't be stern and serious and discipline/talk to my batchmates as if I'm their training leader. It is just totally not my style. They're my friends, and I'm theirs. We screw around, dude. That's the way it goes.

Do I need to be like Jeremy or the J1s to be a good role model? The guy standing upfront, reporting attendance, turning around to ensure we aren't fidgeting or chit-chatting... I prefer to stand at the back and mingle with them. I feel so much more at ease.

Maybe I'm just not made to be respectable.

Oh yes, and as the ACCAL I'm supposed to bring the batch together? But yeah well, I find myself guilty of segregation at times. Some scars run too deep, and some friends are... perhaps just not meant to be? It's funny how Jeremy and I have become good friends when previously we were angsting each other. And I'm telling you that was because of me. Perhaps it was a bit of jealousy at work... for he was so serious, so disciplined, and that was something I found so hard to do. Rather, now I've fallen out with a friend whom I've tried so hard to befriend before. I think the relationship collapsed because of a particular incident, but that only acted as a trigger. I think the root of the problem lay in the accumulation of things we've done to destroy this bond... the countless 'pangsehs' and whatnot. Whatever it is, i find it hard to look into his face and talk. Or their faces. To just talk normally. But fret not, the working relationship ensues. Yeah yeah colleagues work not as well as with friends, but I'm sorry I can't force myself to do it. This is the whole point of this blogpost anyway.

I shouted a bit at Yanwei today, and he had done the same. I think it's okay since we're batchmates /close friends. The weather was hot, and we were shack. But one lesson I've learnt is that as a leader there are these times when you just have to be more mature/compromising when your constituents argue with you, or if they're being unreasonable. You're the leader, the one with more experience and the one more 'wise'. That is not to say Yanwei was being unreasonable or whatnot, because we were just shag. But it triggered the learning point all the same.

I really hope not to lose any more friends within the batch already. I would be... so sad if that happens... especially if the ogre whom I bring onto the bus daily falls out with me. I'm afraid the constant repetitions of 'ogre' and 'polar bear' might be causing psychological hurt to it, and it might just run away. I think I shall clarify that soon. And my confidante of course, whom I always talk to and screw around with. 3 years together and if we were to split now it'd just be so sad. No no, not these 2 definitely. And of course the rest whom I value as well.

The best way out for me to accept that my friends are imperfect is to deplore at my own imperfections. Seriously I'm so damn lucky I still have friends after I did an analysis of myself. I seriously don't deserve to have friends. I should have been a loser whom everyone ostracizes and kicks aside. Some people can just be so nice... But they should be taken advantage of.

I'm starting to find myself to be a liability to the batch. Last year, I ruined everyone's shot at CCA (chief commisioner's award). To put it nicely, I had integrity. To tell the truth, I was being retarded. Of course my batch didn't bring it up. But that doesn't mean they don't blame me deep down in their hearts. Hey dude, I blame myself too.

Oh and yes, last year I was being rude to Leonard on the phone... which of course added to the batch's count and angered the J1s even more. I wished they'd just keep me back, scold, pump and do whatever they want with me instead of doing my whole batch in. Perhaps that's their plan... to make me feel guilty. Which is what happened during today's activity. It feels so much worse when I get my friends into trouble than when I own myself.

Jeremy is the chairman, for obvious reasons. Chu Yong is personable, enthusiastic, a moraliser and the one who brings the batch together. Jonathan is mature and responsible. Haoqin is organised and a great secretary. The 2 QMs have carried out their roles dutifully, and more than that they're great partners to work with. The members have initiative and their efficiency is admirable. Perhaps I have some of these traits too, but as an ACCAL, what value do I add to the batch?

During the previous years, there was only 1 ACCAL. And perhaps it should have remained as one.

But I do like to lead. I like being the leader. When Ben Hong referred to Jeremy as the boss and me as his slave, I didn't feel too comfortable... but hey, on further thought, perhaps that's the reality of it - just that I haven't been doing a good job as his slave.

During the meeting Jeremy said that the 3 of us would cooperate and work together... But so far this hasn't been the case. The fact remains that Jeremy is great, with or without me. What value do I add to the batch? While he handles community day, I'm more concerned with celebrating their birthdays... Gosh, it is only when i type this out that I notice how stupid I seem. Or I am.

It is perhaps the first time in my life that I feel so pressurised. That's the price to pay, I guess. I feel like I'm nearly going to explode. I've tried to tell myself to keep quiet, to shut up and just... act normal. But it's so tough, really. During the meeting I tried to tell myself to shut up but I just had to talk. Last year after I got punished for being rude to Leonard, I told myself to 'type my proposals like I'm supposed to'. And Eric told me that an ACCAL is not just supposed to type proposals... then what am I supposed to do? Just fade out? That's a possibility, I guess.

But now, seriously, I'll try. I'll try to maintain that image I'm supposed to maintain. It will be hard, but if I have no one to screw around with, then I won't screw around, right? Then I just have to tell people not to screw around with me... I can always screw around the moment 01 activities end. =)

I'm not being bitter or anything, but seriously I think this is true. It is just in the nature of being an ACCAL that I'm not supposed to screw around. And perhaps, just perhaps, I shouldn't join the GC next year. I'm not being arrogant, but I think I'll most probably get in if I want to. But once again, what can I do for the group? If you're in the GC and you screw around... That's it man. And there're people who can do the job better than me anyway. I shouldn't waste their chances, and I shouldn't be so selfish to drag the group down. I don't like being a liability. I won't join the GC till I can convince myself I'm capable enough. Yes, I'm not being bitter. This is the truth. I can't have passion for the job if i have to force myself to act and do things I don't like.

Oh and... as Yanwei would term them... I have to settle the issues with my 'emotional commitments' soon. I'll rid of all these stress. I have to focus for the year ahead. It's time to end it, i guess.

I've learnt so much from Hue and Khao Lak. Hue, many lessons... and one that is rather painful. Khao Lak, just the sweet memories. =) Innocence is really something so out of reach in modern societies. I swear humans grow just to complicate matters. I swear. =P

I'm not emo, fyi! It's just that I only blog when I'm emo. Therefore I'd only be seen when I'm emo and I'd be assumed to be emo. But I'm usually very happy! =)

I AM NOT BEING BITTER! THIS IS A POST TO REMIND ME OF WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO IMPROVE!

2nd day of lessons...!

lol i don't know how long i'm going to keep doing this..

but anyway had my first soccer lesson! it was a bit sad la cuz i was sort of like the best in my team of 3, and i can't kick the ball. yeah well... but the passing was fun.... at least we can pass...

i think i shall play soccer more often... otherwise we'd really get owned during inter UG. it can be batch-bonding activity as well... =D

i fell asleep during year head assembly... and it was Mr. Tan talking! =O

went lib to chiong plogs after that, though wasn't too productive... still chionging now... and i shall chiong all the way! no falling asleep tonight again!

wish me luck... =)

1st day back in class!

Whoah finally stepped into the 4K classroom... miss my class so much ><

I think it's great we get to start afresh... with many things... one of them being the sitting arrangements. I'm sitting beside Yi Wei now...! I'll finally have someone to wake me up if i do doze off, and someone to guide me along when I don't understand stuff in class. In the past Wayne and I will both just foam together... hahaha...

We started the day off with CLE. Timo lied to me and told me Mr. Ola would be taking us for CLE, and he nearly drove me to tears... Then Ms. Goh walked in! Wah hahaha! I think she's a great teacher, especially for CLE. I think the difference in having an impactful teacher and one that is not is that you actually get something out of CLE... and i think Ms. Goh would teach us quite some stuff... Her sharing on her biggest blast over the hols became Jun Yong's biggest inspiration... *smirk smirk*

Ms. Kek turned out to be better than i thought. It seems physics wouldn't be that disastrous... as compared to last year =P

Mr. Vijay would be teaching us math again! I think after 1 year i've come to accept him and really he's quite a nice teacher. I'll pay attention to him from now on and hope my grades will improve... =S

Chemistry turned out to be the funniest lesson of the day, with Mr. Chong screwing around... =P Sigh the jokes aren't funny on-screen, but we were all bowling over with laughter in class, especially with Timo the class clown!

It seems the sciences and math would be quite mundane and tiring (syllabus-wise)... as usual... but i shall try my best for them anyway... math will be with whether i like it or not... =S

Ms. Kuang and Mr. Yuen went on about the showcase portfolio with us... and I'm gonna start hunting for the pieces of work. No, burg, i'm not being kiasu... I'm just... being prepared. muahaha!

Oh and i need to prepare my 1 min speech on "the defense for my need".... Good game. =)

S1 Orientation!

Well it's finally over... 2-3 months of work... though i've to say my involvement in preparations before the camp wasn't too much... but i made it up during the camp itself

Full on anticipation on the first day, i told myself sec 1s would be sec 1s and i should not expect too much from them. True enough there was a severe lack of class spirit (they just met, definitely still 30 strangers). Fair enough, we told them what to do, and hoped they'd do it. Towards the end of the station games, we saw a bit of that unity which we hoped to attain at the end of the orientation programme.

During war games, i didn't really see them, cuz i was screwing around with a few other PSLs. Then Jonathan leaked something out (don't trust him with secrets, ppl) which i wasn't supposed to know. I got really quite pissed and i wanted to go bash the guy up, even though he might be bigger than me. But i sort of remembered my new year's resolution, and so i told myself to calm down a bit and stop acting so fiery. I mean like this is one thing tt's been told to me countless times.

Guys, please, respect other ppl's privacy. Just because your phone has a lock function it doesn't mean you can go around screwing with other ppl's phones. Those words were not meant for you, and if you consider yourself his friend then don't intrude into his life. If he wants to share those things with you he would. Ask for permission first, please. 4 years in RI so stop acting so self-centred. I know the idiot who did this most probably won't read this post, so for other ppl it's just a reminder... It really pisses people off, but i think y'all know already la =)

Well so anyway i had to end the day off with that on my mind. It's quite hard to dao and avoid him because he obviously doesn't know he has done anything wrong (since he doesn't know Jonathan told me in the first place) but yeah... I went down to help with Raffles Trail Prep. I was super tired by then but a few PSLs and me (incl. imba said) helped to cut and paste the super big white paper for the 'Lasair' on the ground. On that day, we had like 3 hours of sleep (slightly more). =S

The next day, well was quite good at the start. During the water games i thought i saw a few ppl who were very open and friendly. One member of my class felt he was being ostracized and wanted to skip the games, but i 'forced' him to take part and the moment i brought him to his class 4-5 people went up to say hi and asked him what happened. If you want to make friends, take the initiative lol. Don't wait for an invitation.

During the Bishan hike, however, i was severely disappointed. Once again, a severe lack of class spirit despite what we've said. I think the PSLs from my class were being too nice to them and they couldn't learn anything. Ben Yong shouted at them and severely scolded one of them. It was a bit surprising since I've never actually heard Ben Yong shout at anyone before. Then Mr. Ng (their FT) had a little talk with them and i hoped they'd wake up a bit.

THey did improve a little throughout the rest of the hike but at the end of the day the few of us still could not help but gave negative feedback.

After we've sent the sec 1s off to bed I went to help with prep for raffles trail and did some stuff for finale (my own comm). wahh bomb we all felt so tired but still had to plough through. Jeremy's damn imba la he forgot how to tie ocean's plait so he went online search... and Bingo! So we tied a few knots and Jeremy hung up his CCA shirts for the trail. This night we really slept for only 3 hours... Many thanks to other scouts who're not from these 2 comms but helped as well =D

then on last day was quite boring luh. nth to talk about. but finale went well so tt's good. i did work without recognition...! but it's fine la haha. it was a bit touching when the 2 batches did unite, spirit and sang the batch song tgt.... sob sob...

well yeah i don't wnat to type so much. those words are an inaccurate description unworthy of encapsulating all tt's happened in the past 3 days... but orientation has been a success! mrs chua said this one of the most well-organised one... kudos to OICs Said & Yuda, our 2 head boys and camp commandants! and the rest of the PSLs la haha =)

oh yes, and i think i shall dao that moron till he apologises... muahaha!